I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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