I faked an abortion last night.
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
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