i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Randomize
