CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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