I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
All I want is dick and wine.
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