can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Randomize
