Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Randomize
