You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Randomize
