Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
how do you spell 'special'? like slow?
S P E L L C H E C K
No you dumbass thats not right
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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