I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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