he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
I met the friendliest cop last night
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Randomize
