it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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