Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
