I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize
