it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
