I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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