Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
