It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
