i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
