He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
Randomize