my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
