we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
