there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
