I skipped work to stalk him.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
