What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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