hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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