So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
