Don't make out with my wife yet
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Randomize