My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Randomize