My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
