Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Randomize