we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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