hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
