She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I enjoy the company of your penis
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Randomize
