remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Randomize
