guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
