I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
