I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
