Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
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