Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
