No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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