you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
