Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
