I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
