I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
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