what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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