I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
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