His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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