"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Randomize
