it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
