There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
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