my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
