U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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